old posts, old uncertainties
whatnotI did something I promised myself I wouldn't do here last night. Luckily, I don't think anyone noticed, and I corrected myself and took it down again this morning.
What I did was copy an old post from another blog (my own of course – I'm not a copyright-ignoring AI crawler bot), edited it a bit, then published it here as if it was a new post.
About ten minutes is all it took for me to start questioning myself about doing that. It was a good post, I think, quite funny, but it was also a 'performance post'. One for which I was putting on the 'author as a writing character' again.
Having slept on it, I have decided to remove it again.
I did the post in that way because I panicked a bit, I think. I looked at this blog's analytics (that's probably the first bad move) and saw that visitor numbers were comparatively (to my other blog) poor so far, so I instantly slipped into thinking it might be that my posts weren't 'fun enough' here.
Numpty.
It couldn't of course be that it's only been a week, and the blog isn't publicised anywhere except on the Scribbles Explore pages, and I don't even post links to it from my own socials yet, could it?
I had promised myself that I wouldn't slip into the character thing again here. I know it's a type of a mask, a self-protection mechanism that I haThis is once again the all-new Blogbear.ve learned and hidden myself with for over fifty years now. The difficulty is that's it's probably more natural to me to be the character now – exaggerated for comic effect, and trying to be liked by being funny – than it is to find any real me still hiding in here.
I think.
I'm not actually sure if it is me. Perhaps I am naturally inclined to try to be funny, due to the fast moving, ADHD connections-making brain. Or the real me is the more quiet, prefers to stay in his bedroom silently reading books and learning facts all day even though it's lovely outdoors kid that my mother despaired of.
And these competing sides of my personality, the conflict and the uncertainty, might actually mean I am both, because I'm actually on the autism spectrum combined with ADHD (what I see being called AuDHD), so both aspects are constantly working against each other.
The quiet and hardly speaks introvert (actually completely happy to be that way), versus the always joking and wanting to make everyone happy, once persuaded to come out of their lair, funny kid.
And the blogging me generally is the joker, but with the quiet me – shocked that the joker even started a blog in the first place and not really coping with the visibility – wanting to tell you what I'm really like if the joker will shut up for a minute.
It's all a bit odd.
But I do think this struggle with things has been the reason for my blogs always having a limited life.
It only takes one day of just one side of me being dominant for a spontaneous breakdown. What follows is either a deletion of the posts that the dominant side doesn't like, or the deletion of the whole blog as the introvert/joker, Autistic/ADHD battle continues, and a mental referee steps in to stop the argument completely.
Anyway, I'll publish this post now. Then we'll see how long it lasts.
